How people in happy relationships talk about money

How people in happy relationships talk about moneyHow people in happy relationships talk about moneyHonesty and intimacy are well understood as bedrocks of ahealthy relationship. But without complete transparency aroundfinances, they may not be possible. Thats because beneath the surface of everyfinancial conversationa couple has are the major factors underpinning any relationship power, intimacy, and trust.I say that money is one of the best communication tools that there is, actually, says Jacquette Timmons, a financial coach and the author ofFinancial Intimacy How to Create a Healthy Relationship with Your Money and Your Mate.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreTimmons regularly helps married couples arrive on the same financial page. Too often, she says, couples get far down the road before they ever discuss their finances. An example One couple Timmons worked with dated for fou r years before they got married, and it welches only then that they discovered that the husband expected the couples finances to remain separate, while the wife expected everything to be split evenly. Kind of a big deal.Such situations are not uncommon, Timmons says, and often occur because both partners assume theyll just do what their parents did. In this couples case, the wifes father was an entrepreneur, the mother stayed at home, and all resources were shared the husbands parents were divorced, and his parents accordingly handled their finances separately.I think a lot of it is centered around what you saw modeled for you, and then the expectations that you have around that, that you bring into your relationship.Thats not to say Timmons recommends one one approach over another Whether couples merge and share their finances, keep them completely separate, or maintainseparate accountsbut also establish shared accounts should be based on what works best for their situations, she s ays.However, the one thing Timmons does insist on is transparency. If partners agree to keep some or all finances separate, they must also offer complete visibility into each others accounts, including unfettered access to account statements.So, its not like My names not on it, and Im blind. You just dont want to be financially blind, she says.The cost of not having such transparency is nothing less than the health of the entire relationship.I think certainly it erodes thetrust. And what comes along with eroding the trust is the willingness to be vulnerable, Timmons says. Because otherwise I think you leave the window open for a lot of distrust to seep in, and thats never good for any relationship, whether its triggered by finances or anything else.There are financial ramifications, too, as plans are made separately, according to different goals - which ties again back to the maintenance of the relationship itself, since ideally couples are saving and investing with common goals an d developing a camaraderie in the process.If you were having more candid, open conversations about moneyyoud actually choose to behave differently with your money, and you would probably set different goals and figure out how do you partner in making those goals happen, Timmons says. So, you miss out on the opportunity to actually collaborate and behave as two people being on the team of one.Thats why couples should embrace the opportunity to talk aboutfinances, carrying a sense of curiosity and optimism into those conversations and viewing them as opportunities to plan and and obtain things that they both want.Then you kind of make it more of a fun experience and exercise that youre doing, instead of that dreaded thing, Timmons says.Those conversations need to occur regularly, both for tactical planning and for larger-scale assessments of goals and respective contributions from each partner.Its never a one-and-done negotiation, Timmons says. As circumstances in your respective live s, and in your life as a couple, change you have to navigate and negotiate different realities. So what may have worked for you last year may not work for you this year, and so youve got to adjust.Of course,vulnerabilitycan be hard to achieve, including with finances. Thats why Timmons says its important to go into that first financial conversation willing to be open and prepared to work together.Very few people are looking for someone to come to the table perfect, and that includes with regards to their money, she says. I think whats most important is that, if your stuff is not together, people want to know that youve got a plan. And I think thats what people might want to pay more attention to Does someone have a plan? Or can you create a plan together?This article originally appeared on Fatherly.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Frank lins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people